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Yes, I'm going to use the "G" word. Gaslighting. This is one of those words that make people uneasy when they hear it because often it’s misused and tossed around casually. And gaslighting is anything but a casual experience.
Though the word gaslighting has become almost taboo to say from its overuse, gaslighting really does happen and it’s important to take it seriously. It really is a "crazy maker" when it happens. And it's important to know what it is and if it is happening to you.
Gaslighting is a term that is often discussed in the context of toxic relationships. It is a form of psychological manipulation where one person makes another doubt their own perceptions, memories, or feelings. Although gaslighting can happen in various means, it's important to understand that gaslighting comes in waves. In fact there are three "waves" of gaslighting. Knowing and understanding each wave can help you recognize and navigate these manipulations in our relationships. Here are the three waves of gaslighting that many people encounter.
Wave 1: THE INITIAL UNDERMINING
The first wave of gaslighting often begins subtly. During this phase a partner will initiate small comments or demonstrate behaviors that make you question your reality. For instance, your partner might dismiss your feelings or memories by saying things like, “You’re overreacting,” or “That didn’t happen.” There are also the non-verbal cues of looking at you like you're crazy, or shaking their head in dismissal of you or what you are sharing. Initially, these remarks may seem harmless, but over time, they can chip away at your self-esteem and sense of reality.
Wave 1 Signs to Look For:
- Dismissive Language & Non-Verbal Cues: Comments that belittle your feelings, eye rolling, shaking their head in disagreement, etc.
- Inconsistencies: Your partner frequently contradicts themselves regarding past events.
- Isolation: You begin to be distanced from loved ones because your partner subtly criticizes or undermines them.
Wave 2: THE ESCALATION OF MANIPULATION
As your relationship progresses gaslighting may escalate. This wave often involves more direct manipulation. Your partner may start to twist the narrative, making you feel guilty or responsible for their actions. They might say things like, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t question me.” Or, "Do you not trust me?" This stage can lead to a deep sense of confusion and self-doubt.
They may also begin to question your whereabouts, want to know you your with, when you'll be home and will criticize what you are doing and what you are sharing with others. Oftentimes as they express their disagreement with your choices they may overreact by yelling, throwing things, and degrading you. With time you choose to become silent to avoid such outbursts.
One of my client's husband had put a tracker on her car to make sure she was going to the gym and estimated how much time it should take her to go to gym, work out, and come home. Then when she'd get home he'd question her about who she had talked to at the gym, ask her what kind of workout she had, and then would accuse her of flirting with the personal trainers (which she never did.) One time he became so enraged that she feared for her safety because she came home 10 minutes later than he thought she should (she stayed and had chatted with a woman in her Zumba class for a few minutes). Ultimately she refused to go to the gym unless he went with her because his accusations and overreactions were wearing on her.
Wave 2 Signs to Look For:
- Blame Shifting: Your partner turns the situation around, making you feel at fault.
- Increased Control: They may monitor your activities or interactions with others.
- Emotional Outbursts: Dramatic reactions to your concerns that evoke fear, or make you hesitant to speak up.
Wave 3: THE COMPLETE REALITY REVERSAL
In the final wave, gaslighting can become all-encompassing. Your partner may deny events that are obviously true and may even create a reality where you feel completely lost or one you don't recognize. This phase can lead to severe emotional distress, anxiety and even PTSD symptoms as the gaslighter aims to control not just your actions but also your perception of reality itself. You may find yourself questioning everything, including your sanity.
For example, in one relationship I was in, I knew I had plugged my cell phone in the dining room for my phone to charge. My partner and I were the only ones in the apartment. When I went to check on my phone after watching a movie, it was gone. When I asked him about it, he acted like I was crazy and that I must be losing my mind, that I must have left my phone in the car and said that he hadn't seen it.
I knew for a fact that I had brought the cell phone in and had plugged it in. After a while I started to question my thoughts, but still looked around the apartment under the couch, in the kitchen, etc. He laughed the entire time and told me to sit down and relax, that I was being ridiculous for even looking. I had almost given up my search when I went into the bedroom and opened up the nightstand drawer next to his bed. And there was my phone with the charger in his drawer. He had taken it and went through my phone when he excused himself to go to the restroom during the film. When he was caught he then started yelling at me, as if I had done something wrong.
Wave 3 Signs to Look For:
- Total Denial: Your partner denies things you know to be true, leaving you feeling helpless.
- Manipulative Behaviors: They may use your vulnerabilities against you.
- Isolation: A complete breakdown of trust in your own judgment, often leading to withdrawal from friends and family.
Moving Forward
Recognizing these waves of gaslighting is the first step toward reclaiming both your sanity and your reality. Your thoughts, your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be seen, heard, and in a relationship where your perceptions are respected.
Although gaslighting can be a complex and painful experience for everyone involved, understanding the three waves can empower you to identify what is happening, and how to address it. Awareness is key, and you can't change what you don't acknowledge. Acknowledging what you’re experiencing is the first step toward healing.
As a Trauma Recovery Specialist, I've helped hundreds of clients heal and move forward with full confidence after experiencing psychological manipulation. If you are experiencing this in your own relationship, or know a friend that is, please reach out to either myself, a therapist, or trusted friend. You do not need to heal alone.
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