9 Strategies for Communicating with a Narcissist

Conflict is something many of us try to avoid because it makes us feel uncomfortable and we generally don't like making others feel uncomfortable either. Bullies know this and use conflict as a way to feel powerful and to gain control of a situation. To communicate more effectively when confronted, here are 9 strategies for communicating with a bully.

Stay calm. Bullies often try to engage you in conflict. When they do, many times they will play the victim and use intense emotions in the form of tears or anger to try and manipulate you and keep you in conflict. Staying calm regardless of their behavior or accusations is the key to not engaging and remaining in control. Practicing grounding exercises can help you learn how to do this.

Keep your interactions and communications brief. The best way to shut down a bully is by limiting the opportunity for them to engage with you and limiting their access to you.

Stick to the topic, your version of the topic & how you feel. To avoid responsibility bullies often try to get you to edit your version of a situation and are masterful at changing the subject to keep you distracted and them in control. Bullies do whatever they can to keep the focus on you so that they can avoid accountability. They will in an instant bring up things not related or relevant to the current topic to keep you feeling defensive. When this happens, calmly ask them to stick with the original topic (or point) and don't entertain the new subject.

Focus only on the facts and on the behavior that needs to change. When you stick to the facts it's easier to personally stay calm and to not become defensive. Criticizing a bully (attacking their character) will only add fuel to the fire and can escalate the conflict and their desire for further conflict.

Include compliments when you provide constructive feedback to a bully. Here's an example: “You provide such great information in your meetings. They really help me to understand the company's direction and helps me to know how to more effectively lead my team. I would really appreciate it if you could send out the meeting requests earlier in the week or schedule them on a regular basis, so that I could attend them more often."

Set clear boundaries. Do not apologize for setting boundaries and express the consequences of when boundaries are not adhered to. Here's an example: "I don't take work calls after 6PM, so if you need something, after 6PM know that I will be responding to your request the next day."

Save your breath by not trying to defend yourself. A bully is not interested in anyone's perspective or side of a story other than their own. When you try to defend yourself a bully knows that they have struck a nerve, only provides them with more ammunition, and they know that they are in control. When you are confident in yourself, you do not need their validation or acceptance. Here are some phrases that can help you shut down a conversation with a bully:

• "I understand" or "I hear what you're saying"

• "I'm sorry you feel that way"

• "We both have a right to our own opinions"

• "I can accept how you feel"

• "I'm not going to argue with you"

• "We can agree to disagree"

• "I'd appreciate it if you'd speak to me in a respectful tone"

• "Your perspective is interesting"

• "This was my experience" or "That's not how I remember it"

• "Good to know"

• "Give me some time to think about it"

Don't take it personally. The majority of the time those who are trying to avoid responsibility blame others. Keep in mind, just because someone says something or accuses you of something does not make it true. Their attacks are more about their insecurities and is an attempt to deflect attention or to avoid accountability.

Know yourself, your strengths, your weaknesses, and be confident in who you are. This is one of the best defenses to feeling confident when someone wants to engage you in conflict. When you know who you are and the value in your character it's easier to stand up for yourself and demand respect from others.

Let go of the need for approval. Though feeling validated is important, a bully will not provide that validation. What is most important is knowing that you are maintaining your own standards and that you can feel confident when you do. Self-approval is more important than any approval that can come from anyone else.